


Dark Silence

by AniRay



Series: Commander [8]
Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 22:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20535875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniRay/pseuds/AniRay
Summary: There was nothing but lies and bright darkness and silent sound.





	Dark Silence

**Author's Note:**

> For you, Dystopian_Dramaqueen...  
Takes place during the three months that June is with the Waterford's in Ch. 9  
This is meant to be read after Ch. 9 of Commander

Johnson was out of town.

He had been for the past month. That’s how long Nick had been here. That’s how long it had been since he had seen June. How long it had been since Eden. How long it had been since the pain started. They said it was because of Eden- because of her affair with Isaac. They said it wouldn’t be the first time a man had killed his wife over infidelity.

Or to be with another woman.

So for the past month they had come in every day. ‘_nothing permanent’._ Those were the only limitations to what they could do. There were a lot of things that could break a person that don’t leave permanent damage. The beatings they gave him, for example.

He was almost used to it by now- the pain. He could almost block it out. But he couldn’t block out the dark. He couldn’t block out the silence. They made everything clear. There was nowhere to hide in the dark. His demons lived in the dark and they liked to play with him there. They liked to poke at the old wounds he carried. Wounds with names like ‘Josh’ or ‘Mom’. Wounds that felt like memories. No, the pain was almost a reprieve.

And the silence…it wasn’t silent. It was loud. He heard everything in the silence. He heard the sound of Eden’s blood hitting the bathroom tiles. He heard the slow destruction of the hope that used to shine in her eyes. He heard the fear in Isaac’s voice as they put a burlap bag over his head. He even heard the anger in his father’s voice when he went job hunting and didn’t come back until his funeral. The pain was almost a mercy.

And even though he flinched when the door opened…

He welcomed it.

-

They stopped beating him.

Electrocution was the method they used now- for the last month, really. It was different. The burn was more sharp. Fists and rods hurt, but there was almost a comfort to the familiarity. There was no familiarity to being electrocuted. Each burn was different each pain was strange and new. All similar, but…_different._

Or maybe it just felt different with the lights on.

That had changed to. There was no darkness anymore. There was never any darkness. There was no day or night- only the blinding white of industrial fluorescent lights. He had welcomed it the first day. And the second. And the twelfth. But now, _there was no darkness._ His body couldn’t sleep and his mind was playing tricks in the light that it hadn’t in the dark.

There was no more silence, either. The lights buzzed. And there was always the sound of the war- or _a_ war- playing in the room. He didn’t know where the sound came from. He didn’t know if the sounds were real. But they felt real. The gunfire felt real. The explosions felt real. The screams… they were the only thing he knew for certain was real.

He started to see her- June. She would stand under the light, where it was the brightest. She would smile as the gunfire from the speakers tore through her. Her screams would be the screams of dying men. Then she would be gone- faded into nothing. And Eden would take her place. Bloody wrists and a drenched blue dress, mouth open with the sound of bombs exploding in place of her usual silence.

He begged for silence. He screamed himself hoarse to drown out the wars in the speakers and in his head. He prayed- to a god he barely believed in-for darkness. It had been safer there. He could sleep there and his nightmares were a reprieve from his demons. But there was no silence and no darkness.

There was just war and blood and horrible light.

-

Waterford lied.

Johnson was back. He thought it had only been a few days. Waterford said it had only been a few days. He thought the investigation was new. Waterford said the investigation was new. So another month passed. But there was no investigation- Nick knew that. There was nothing but lies and bright darkness and silent sound.

And Waterford- he was a constant now, too.

Offred was showing. Offred was putting on healthy weight. Offred could feel the baby move. Offred tasted like berries. Offred looked lovely tied naked to her bed. Offred’s cunt felt like heaven. Offred was this. Offred was that. Nick knew everything about Offred.

But never June.

Nick didn’t know anything about June. He didn’t know about their baby. He only knew about Offred’s baby. Something- some part of him said they were the same, but… It didn’t _feel_ the same. Nick and _June_ had a baby. Nick and _June_ were happy. Nick _loved_ _June_. But Offred… Offred had never been pregnant. Offred had hung herself from the ceiling. Offred…she was broken and then she was gone.

But…something said they were the same.

The metal door scraped across the concrete floor. Commander Johnson walked in. Two Guardians walked in after him. Then, finally, came Waterford. Nick lifted his head. The light was too bright- it made the darkness sound louder. The speakers were quiet now and it made his ears rings from so much soundlessness.

“Get him some clean clothes and take him home, boys. I want his handmaid delivered back to him from the Red Center in twenty-four hours,” Johnson said.

The guardians pulled nick up but his demons were learning to play in the light. Their hands were bloody from the war and Nick could see the souls of the dead hanging from their fingers. He couldn’t let them touch him. So he stepped away, held himself like the Commander they thought he wanted to be.

He followed them out of the cell.

He let the hot water of the shower wash away the demons and the silence.

He went home and waited for June to come home.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a lot for Nick. This was a lot for me. Lack of sleep and continuous stimulation can cause some very real problems with your mental health.


End file.
